Face-deep in me humble-pie
Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Girl let’s boy do whatever he wants. Boy does whatever he wanted and one day boy decides to take girl out. Boy sounds happy and excited. Girl can’t believe her luck. Goes out and buys things. Wonders what to do about hair. Then boy disappears. Girl gets angry. Girl writes angry emails. Girl makes angry phone calls and sends angry texts. Boy refuses to respond. And then he calls girl crazy and manipulative. That girl should stop bothering him, or else.
Boys can be mean sometimes!!
But did he stop there? No sir, he didn’t. He continued by saying he decided not to come because he realized I was fucked in the head. Called me “a head case”, “a trip”, something else. No wonder, he added before signing off, my husband wanted out!
Girl knew I was fucked up. I knew there was something wrong with me. [Even warn them as much in the beginning. Suggest they read my blog to know the inner workings of my mind. "Wait and see", I say - when they start "majgodgoding" compliments, wishing the warning flags away. They never listen!]. I was also no stranger to being called names before being deserted. What I didn’t know was that I was the Crafty-Craftswoman he described me to be. That I was any more crazy than the next scorned [passionate] woman whose fury hell would be hard-pressed to match. That my corky-nesses were anything other than adorable qualities that sets me apart from girlkind.
So I went to me best friend, google!, and asked the question: “Am I manipulative?”. And to my shame, to my eternal disgrace [I do use big words and poetic language to get my point across too!], learned that although none of them were conscious decisions, or things I did to gain a specific/material end, I did and do all those things it says manipulative people do:
- I do pretend to be incompetent, play the victim, act helpless, or admit too often that I am stupid
- I did say “anything you want” when I don’t mean it or I lied about how I feel (but isn’t that what “the dating game” is all about?! The make ups, the eye shadows, the waxings, the clpings?! Aren’t we catering to “his” needs instead of ours? Saying “thy wish, sir, is my command”?!).
- I did say “promise me” (“we will remain friends even if we stopped seeing each other”. And meant it too.)
-I do not think I “act overly concerned” or “promise to change my behavior knowing perfectly well that I don’t want to change.”
- I do blame others (but myself too) for my problems.
- I do act ignored, forgotten, hurt, wounded, unloved, or uncared for (which is how I am or feel 99 percent of the time)
- I get angry or throw temper tantrums.
- I am always depressed or suicidal.
So what I thus far thought was “humility” or “being self conscious” was, infact, typical manipulative behavior.
Now for the “crazy” part. It has occured to me to start cutting myself to get an answer [to make him look back, feel wretched for ill-treating me, to show I had nothing to live for no more and go out with a kick and a bang - plus lots of gore] (which is a manipulative behavior in itself, if you must hear me say it, since I only threaten myself with violence and never actually reach for the carving knife), I did get angry and confused and sad when my hopes were dashed with no explanation. Then started obsessing and crying and demanding for answers, presenting no verbal threats, but sounding pretty demented on email.
Did I know that’s something that could get me into trouble with the authorities in America [unlike Ethiopia where people sucked their teeth, lament "ferdobaat!" and secretly wish they could be loved as much]?!. I did. Did i realize such actions are gonne push him further and make him not want to be the friend he promised to be?! Yes indeed [Amokachi is in the field, as we used to say before FikreAddis NeKatibeb replaced Abedi Pele to tell us what sort of "mewabia" to buy, and we bought it]. Did i think finding out what happened was worth the lasting impression [of a pathetic, desperate, needy woman] I’m probably gonne leave with him [this man whose eyes I loved, whose smile brought the sun out along with it, and whose love-making skills I thought can be matched by no one]?! Hell yeah!
However, I did feel too, infact believed, that was a natural reaction to things that has to do with dreams/trust/emotions. Don’t we all [atleast want to] strike back when we feel rejected and unnecessarily disrespected?! What makes the heart-broken virgin who cries over a lost love (an opportunity, a hope) any less “crazy” [and sometimes more cute] than a grown up woman crying and wringing her hands over one?! Why are we expected to know better when, deep down, we are all looking for one and the same thing (and respond or react to not getting it the same way)?! Why do they expect us to “play” it “cool” when, under the surface, there is nothing but chaos and turmoil? Isn’t acting a little crazy better than holding it all in and going [really] crazy over prescription [depression] medication?! How about those of us who can’t afford it
On a brighter note, the article also said even Gandhi had to manipulate the system to get his way. Man, was that guy a drama queen!