Face-deep in me humble-pie

January 12, 2012 at 9:03 pm 15 comments

Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Girl let’s boy do whatever he wants. Boy does whatever he wanted and one day boy decides to take girl out. Boy sounds happy and excited. Girl can’t believe her luck. Goes out and buys things. Wonders what to do about hair. Then boy disappears. Girl gets angry. Girl writes angry emails. Girl makes angry phone calls and sends angry texts. Boy refuses to respond. And then he calls girl crazy and manipulative. That girl should stop bothering him, or else.

Boys can be mean sometimes!!

But did he stop there? No sir, he didn’t. He continued by saying he decided not to come because he realized I was fucked in the head. Called me “a head case”, “a trip”, something else. No wonder, he added before signing off, my husband wanted out!

Girl knew I was fucked up. I knew there was something wrong with me. [Even warn them as much in the beginning. Suggest they read my blog to know the inner workings of my mind. "Wait and see", I say - when they start "majgodgoding" compliments, wishing the warning flags away. They never listen!]. I was also no stranger to being called names before being deserted. What I didn’t know was that I was the Crafty-Craftswoman he described me to be. That I was any more crazy than the next scorned [passionate] woman whose fury hell would be hard-pressed to match. That my corky-nesses were anything other than adorable qualities that sets me apart from girlkind.

So I went to me best friend, google!, and asked the question: “Am I manipulative?”. And to my shame, to my eternal disgrace [I do use big words and poetic language to get my point across too!], learned that although none of them were conscious decisions, or things I did to gain a specific/material end, I did and do all those things it says manipulative people do:

- I do pretend to be incompetent, play the victim, act helpless, or admit too often that I am stupid
– I did say “anything you want” when I don’t mean it or I lied about how I feel (but isn’t that what “the dating game” is all about?! The make ups, the eye shadows, the waxings, the clpings?! Aren’t we catering to “his” needs instead of ours? Saying “thy wish, sir, is my command”?!).
– I did say “promise me” (“we will remain friends even if we stopped seeing each other”. And meant it too.)
-I do not think I “act overly concerned” or “promise to change my behavior knowing perfectly well that I don’t want to change.”
– I do blame others (but myself too) for my problems.
– I do act ignored, forgotten, hurt, wounded, unloved, or uncared for (which is how I am or feel 99 percent of the time)
– I get angry or throw temper tantrums.
– I am always depressed or suicidal.

So what I thus far thought was “humility” or “being self conscious” was, infact, typical manipulative behavior.

Now for the “crazy” part. It has occured to me to start cutting myself to get an answer [to make him look back, feel wretched for ill-treating me, to show I had nothing to live for no more and go out with a kick and a bang - plus lots of gore] (which is a manipulative behavior in itself, if you must hear me say it, since I only threaten myself with violence and never actually reach for the carving knife), I did get angry and confused and sad when my hopes were dashed with no explanation. Then started obsessing and crying and demanding for answers, presenting no verbal threats, but sounding pretty demented on email.

Did I know that’s something that could get me into trouble with the authorities in America [unlike Ethiopia where people sucked their teeth, lament "ferdobaat!" and secretly wish they could be loved as much]?!. I did. Did i realize such actions are gonne push him further and make him not want to be the friend he promised to be?! Yes indeed [Amokachi is in the field, as we used to say before FikreAddis NeKatibeb replaced Abedi Pele to tell us what sort of "mewabia" to buy, and we bought it]. Did i think finding out what happened was worth the lasting impression [of a pathetic, desperate, needy woman] I’m probably gonne leave with him [this man whose eyes I loved, whose smile brought the sun out along with it, and whose love-making skills I thought can be matched by no one]?! Hell yeah!

However, I did feel too, infact believed, that was a natural reaction to things that has to do with dreams/trust/emotions. Don’t we all [atleast want to] strike back when we feel rejected and unnecessarily disrespected?! What makes the heart-broken virgin who cries over a lost love (an opportunity, a hope) any less “crazy” [and sometimes more cute] than a grown up woman crying and wringing her hands over one?! Why are we expected to know better when, deep down, we are all looking for one and the same thing (and respond or react to not getting it the same way)?! Why do they expect us to “play” it “cool” when, under the surface, there is nothing but chaos and turmoil? Isn’t acting a little crazy better than holding it all in and going [really] crazy over prescription [depression] medication?! How about those of us who can’t afford it

Just saying.

On a brighter note, the article also said even Gandhi had to manipulate the system to get his way. Man, was that guy a drama queen!

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15 Comments Add your own

  • 1. ethiocentric  |  January 13, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    I wouldn’t call you “crazy”. But wanting to cut your wrist to get a man’s attention, that’s pretty messed up. Maybe.. i mean this in the nicest way.. you aren’t as emotionally mature as you are intelligent. But you got redeeming, and yes adorable, qualities. Don’t waste you time on a jerk that isn’t treating you right? Dump his ass and go out have fun. You deserve it.

  • 2. In_to_me_see  |  January 14, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    I don’t agree. Wanting to cut yourself doesn’t make you crazy. People deal with stress in their own way, and still can be contributing members of society. Ofcourse that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek help. Read books on the subject. Meditate. You can’t believe the things you are capable of accomplishing once you found the source of your problems. No man is going to do that for you.

  • 3. Nunu  |  January 15, 2012 at 4:30 pm

    I was there :)

  • 4. Scooby  |  January 16, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    There is nothing wrong with the girl. Its the boy who is a pussy. Ere yetabatu..defar!

  • 5. Mitmita  |  January 17, 2012 at 10:19 pm

    Most men like to be manipulated. It shows them you are into them and it feeds their ego. Waht’s more, you can’t really deal with men as equals. They are way too stupid and self centered. That’s why we need to play games. As for your being crazy, that’s the name they give you when you are doing anything that rocks their boat. Piss or get off the pot, jerk. You are wasting my time.

  • 6. Ras X  |  January 18, 2012 at 11:34 pm

    Calm down mitmita? Maybe if you were less katelo, you would have less hard time keeping a man. Please also stop trying to paint all men with one wide brush. your limited experience doesn’t represent the whole world.

  • 7. DuskToDark  |  January 19, 2012 at 10:14 am

    I once read a little blurb somewhere about how, the instant a relationship goes awry, the narrative to describe what happens next diverges greatly from each version. We humans apparently have an infinite capacity for storytelling, and in fact each of us has an ongoing narrative that is the story of our lives, and our version is the one we cling to as the Truth. But of course when other people are involved, THEIR version is The Truth – to them anyway -and comparing the two versions empirically would result in two nearly unrelated stories, particularly when there’s romance and strife involved. The trick of course is to not only learn to validate the other side’s version of the narrative, but to find someone who can do the same for you. We’d love to find the nirvana of a partner whose version of the narrative is nearly the same as ours most of the time, and in fact when things are happy and shiny and joyful, that’s why we get involved in the first place – our respective narratives seem to click as we get to know the person and do fun things, particularly sex. Very powerful motivator and bonding ritual, that.

    Through some cosmic version of a bad joke, when things go sideways, or sour completely,that person we clicked with so well when things were good suddenly seems like a stranger, a jerk, a bitch, a psycho, or worse. But that’s only because the narratives diverge so radically from when things were good. Knowing that doesn’t really help much, except perhaps to let go of some of the personal hate and/or ill will toward them. What remains is still difficult – the rejection, the feeling of being tossed aside lightly, used, deceived, and the empty hole where another human being used to be in your life. No amount of intellectualizing or new age enlightenment changes that.

  • 8. andthree  |  January 19, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    Let’s all calm down!

    I am a firm believer in fair exchange.

    what i want to know, abesheet, is whether the guy has done his fair share of manipulation. or can we take his favorable qualities that you have mentioned as manipulative behavior?

  • 9. abesheet  |  January 19, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    Lol. I don’t know anymore “andthree”. [Odd nickname, by the way. What does it mean?!] He has been history ever since I wrote the post. Don’t know if I am getting good at this dumping/being dumped business or that I have “manipulated” myself into thinking I cared more than I did. Sure there are still things I remember of him, things that make me start and race the heart. But the rest…. kind of blurry *smile*. Bihonim.. endiyam hono … am loving all the “atekara” in here. Been a while.

  • 10. wello dessie  |  January 19, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    I blame the cultural difference. In ethiopia any erratic behavior in the name of love, even abuse is seen as part of the package. We easily forgive when `love` is involved. Here, anything over the ordinary is seen as unhealthy. I have tried to date around and tht women look short circuted. They are very secretive and demanding. In the end bikefam bilemam yagere lije tishalenalech biye andwan tekelelku. That is why we keep to our kind. They make it sdiffuclt to be with them.

  • 11. Chuchu  |  January 19, 2012 at 9:34 pm

    I am glad writing it out helped, yene enat. I know how you feel. I have also been there and done that. Called crazy too. However, the assumption when you are an adult is that you would be more comfortable with your self to be able to deal with rejection and grief. Remember when you were a teenager? Every laugh or joke at your expense felt like enternal and desicive. You pass that and realize it wasn’t as big as you thought back then. You grow a little more and you wish you could go back to your younger self and tell her how little it mattered. So.. in your 30s, as I assume you are, you are supposed to know better than not wanting to cut your wrist to get attention. I don’t mean thr thought wouldn’t occur to you. But you can’t entertain it seriously. That maybe what the guy meant. I wish I have more information about him to give more advice. But I am sure he must have thought you were worth being around when he wanted to take you out and got excited to do so. How about you remember that every time you think of him? And working on those positive qualities he saw instead of the negative names he called you in the end? Aren’t they equally valid? Infact, aren’t the good qualities more believable since there was no animosity darkening the vision. Keep those, my dear. If you need a friend to talk to, you have my email address. Love to be friends with you.

  • 12. andthree  |  January 20, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    there is three of us writing on the blog; and it is our third blog. so andthree.

  • 13. Danegus  |  January 23, 2012 at 8:00 pm

    You got that right. Women never seem to mature with age. They get only stronger. Personally, I will take the immature over the cold calculating one. But that’s just me.

  • 14. habeshaviews  |  January 29, 2012 at 12:38 am

    I go with the firist dude ” ur not matured enough emotionally ” ….plus , I think u need to cut ppl some slack . You know they can be stupid enough not to think of more than food when they think of Ethns(from ur other post)…etc …u know they have their own issues to deal wit- like bills to pay or illegitimate kids to raise :)..etc …. As for guys who want to play games , if they want to play game , play along. Nothing wrong with having alittle fun. When they disapear, my policy- make one call/txt and leave a message . If he calls back good . if not , there is more where he comes from. If they wanna get serious ,get serious. Don’t get obsessive , don’t tell them everything on the first date. I mean believe me at the begining no one cares about what u think of Ethn poverty or Americans or berbere price hike minamin …etc…Be a listener until u know the dude better. plus, don’t google these stuff (its usually written by either a 16 year old or some broke ass psychologist who couldn’t sell a single book) . Great to see you back …I have enjoyed the blog except for the other “whore” entry .

  • 15. sistru  |  January 31, 2012 at 3:02 am

    Abesheet, speaking of manipulation… but she’s MY best friend! (reason, according to her: she’s fun to be with, she tells the truth, she’s my most dependable ally). I even asked her ‘are you my best friend’ and she said ‘yes’. That bitch be two timing us!

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