me vs. my [alter] ego!

I consider myself pretty independent. By independent I mean I usually don’t seek people’s approval to want what I want, or believe whom I want. It doesn’t mean I would blow the smoke in my parent’s face if caught smoking marijuana (and the possibility isn’t unthinkable, America here I come!). Yet I never put my preferences on the table. You can say what you will of them but you might as well have been talking to the wall. My tastes are my tastes, I’d firmly protest, run along and find somebody else to intimidate! Which is why when my colleagues make lists of foods they don’t eat, smells they can’t bear to be around and stuff they would never do (the “don’ts” always outweigh the “do”s) in a voice that clearly says more about their self esteem problem than their do/don’ts, I laugh on the inside feeling pretty superior to them. Judgemental, arrogant and individualistic, you might call me, and I may proudly agree. But I atleast know what I want and it’s never up for discussion! Which should count. Right? Right?!

Yet… [there is always a “yet”, or a “but”, in these situations; when a person has decided he’s something or other, when he/she has refused to never say “never”] I sometimes catch myself, almost in time, negotiating with inner me to give up and be taken by/with the tide. Take earlier for example. I registered with rottentomatoes yesterday so I could post my comment on “Sex and the city: the movie” for all to see. Not only am i one of those vain souls who believe their opinions matters, or should at any rate, but also the hundreds of trips I made to “Biruk Video” to make sure he got me a clear copy and the 6 birr I paid to buy that crap is still burning a hole in my bag.

So I registered, became the proud owner of Stucky’s and begun going through my profile which I couldn’t help but notice looked deserted. The riddle was solved soon enough, I haven’t completed any of the stuff I was supposed to do after registering. Haven’t invited friends, set privacy & moderation options, customized my layout & color settings. I haven’t even listed my top 10 movies, in a movie critique website too! So I decided to atleast do the later. Easy job, I said to myself. After all, I’ve been doing watching-movies for a living for the last 20 years. How hard can it be? The steps appeared the kind I could do on my head. You feed the name of your favorite movie in the “Search” table, the system searchs and lists all movies similiarily titled or have one or more words to that of your fav. You choose the one you meant and hit the “Add Entry” button. But “choosing”, I found out, needed more time and pondering over than first meets the eye.

It’s not the sheer difficulty of deciding which movies, out of thousands, should go on the list that I had a problem with. For I have the tendency to think carefully, and taking my time (as well as everybody else’s in the video shop) before borrowing a movie, and usually ending up liking them. But the question of what is “expected” of a loud-mouthed-know-it-all abesheet and what loud-mouthed abesheet loves came into tight grips. Movies I’ve never considered particularly deep or “my genre” but ones I’ve never hestitated to re-watch every time they come on Dubai’s one tv (like “The terminal” and “Enemy of the States”), kept giving me a fever with the old Hamletian dilemma: “To choose” or “not to choose”.

“The Story of Us”, for example, starring Michelle Pfeiffer and Bruce Willis, has been one of my favorite movies of all times. I’ve loved it’s honest look on what an uphill work relationships are, it’s sense of humor and it’s solid actors. Rob Reiner’s “The Princess Diary” and Barbra Striesand’s “The Mirror has two faces” are two other “romances” I’ve adored for more than 12 years now. Before I convinced myself and everybody around (who cared to listen) that I was a no non-sense cynic who do not believe in traditional values, I’ve never been ashamed of the fact that I loved these movies. Go to ethiopianlove.com, if it’s still there, and take a look at Biqo’s profile!. There you’ll find them, “blazen forth to the world”, as movies I recommend watching. But lately, things have changed. I have changed. I’ve owned a blog, the blog has much to say on what is wholesome and what is not, and it’s been hit more than 10,000 times!. So there is, clearly, a reputation to consider. So I was ashamed. Ashamed of my likes! And then I caught myself, “.. but I thought ..” I begun (just as I would have begin had i found my collegues, whose “don’ts” outweight “do”s, erring). Then there was silence.

In the end, I negotiated my way out of it by deciding that I would put the top 10 movies I admire on the list and contact someone @ rottentomatoes to prepare another column for “favorite top 10 movies” on which all the skeletons in my closet would be exhibited.

*sighs*

Maybe I should take my self less seriously!