Archive for September 26, 2011

Escondido Days

My new favorite writer, David Sedaris, has a whole audio book dedicated to bits and pieces from his journal/diary that he reads from at book signings and carnigie meeting halls. Thought I should share some of mine from my previous life as a happily married woman in the city of Escondido, CA. Please be forewarned that the pieces need editing. I also have a feeling i could probably come up with better, funnier, longer posts out of them if given more time than the free-90 minutes-internet usage allowed by Seattle Public Library.

Still.. so.. here goes.

Is barking a dog’s way of asking to get to know you?!
There is a dog that lives in one of the houses i gotta walk by when going to Barnes & noble in my “bozene” days. I’ve started referring to him, when i can be bothered to remember he exists, as “Bartolomew Being”, which is the name of a terrier that belonged to Stephanie Being, who also “biteth like a serpent”, in the book “The Code of the Woosters”. So everytime i passed by, this other Being runs upto the “biret attir” that separates us and demands for blood or surrender in no uncertain barks. This morning, being sunday & cloudy, i decided to walk to work. When I approached the atir, I saw my four legged friend run upto the “birret atir” he always runs to when a stranger approacheth. At seeing me, however, instead of being the quarellsome self he used to exhibit four months ago, he seems to change his mind. He stared at me “zeleg lale gize”, in that most almost-human look dogs have, and retired to civil life.

Men vs. Cigarettes: Who is your buddy?
If you have taken the time to ponder over it, the confidence with which a packet of tobacco holds its self is mind boggling. It’s the most understanding, accepting, open-minded lover you can come up with. Unlike that boyfriend whose brain is full of a philosophy he has no intention of walking-the-walk wtih and a tongue that neither dies nor goes to sleep [like some goddamn hell-dwelling worm], Tobacco tells you it’s bad for you. Contains “carbon monoxide”, it says, which is both addictive and harmful to your health, drawing you nearer to the grave each time you breathed it in, and breathed it out. Unlike a man who leads you on while “exploring” his “options” before settling with the first air-headed bimbo that comes his way, cigarettes makes sure you were well informed before “getting into it”. It’s bad for you if you are pregnant, a child, somebody who likes to reduce risks to their health. It’s bad for you, in short, if you are alive and like to continue being. Adhere to it’s warnings and you don’t have to pay hundreds in self-help books or at couches of shrinks who ask “how that makes you feel” as if that was a question that can only be meaningfully asked by “professionals”. You can get a gum for less than 5 bucks, or a nicotine-patch that would work its way into ur blood stream and — i guess – make you wanna smoke less. Unfortunately, there is no such remedy for men who eat at the marrow of your youth, and then leave you with a hole in the heart and an inability to see the world, others and urself again the same way.

One silver lining when it comes to men, boyfriends come and go but cigarettes are forever. Well.. till death do you part, anyway.

Health Care: The devil MAYBE in the details
Long after the debate concluded, and the debators went to their respective cozy and insured villas, I have been in a “health-care” state of mind. Cause: I had my first [american] accident last week. Effect: A realization that it isn’t what it appears to be.

It was Tuesday afternoon, outside the break room where the Microwave was stationed, at work. Instead of minding my own business with the “siletam” soup can’s top which has three warnings ( to: 1. Lift tab to rim. 2. Pull up & back slowly. CAUTION: Edges will be sharp); I was found watching an elderly collague [the type who has gotta feed or bully somebody around] throw a fit about [lunch] schedules one of the managers asked her to make sure were adhered to, but not as if her very life depended on it.

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September 26, 2011 at 8:46 pm 2 comments


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The blogger tries to think outside the box, or wonder why she sometimes can't.

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"I will speak for you, Father. I speak for all mediocrities in the world. I am their champion. I am their patron saint." - Antonio Salieri, from the movie "Amadeus"

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