“What We Know”

by Nathaniel Stein May 26, 2014

Here is what we know so far:

—The victim, Mr. Hollis, was found by a servant in the library at the stroke of midnight, with his limbs splayed, his clothes torn to shreds, and his hair matted with dried blood.

—Sometime later, after cleaning himself up, he was murdered.

—The body was noticed by Mrs. Devereaux, who was all the more shocked and confounded since the discovery came near the end of a round of hide-and-seek and just before a round of Corpse Hunt.

—The guests have convened in the study, and have agreed that no one will leave until the authorities arrive, and that Mr. Burlinson is owed an apology now that they realize where the stench was coming from.

—The head servant, Huntley, insists that no one could have gained admittance to the house without his being aware—leading to the unsettling conclusion that the murderer is among the guests, the servants, and the sixty-three strangers with guns whom he saw enter and leave.

—Dr. Morgan examined the body, and found nothing out of the ordinary other than a single gunshot wound to the back of the neck, and the fact that the rest of the body was pulverized.

—Dr. Morgan could not definitively determine the cause of death, though he was able to rule out natural causes, and whooping cough.

—It seems possible that, in the moments before his death, Mr. Hollis attempted to send some kind of message—one destined never to be received, alas, as he was unable to affix postage.

—There is no obvious reason that anyone in the house should have wished harm to Mr. Hollis, other than the fact that he stole four hundred thousand dollars from each of them.

—Mr. Higgins, suspiciously, is the only guest who refused at the beginning of the evening to sign the agreement expressly forbidding murders.

—In retrospect, everyone recalls hearing a single gunshot three hours earlier, but no one gave it much thought because they all assumed that it was simply Mrs. Tedlock committing suicide.

—The front parlor, the billiard room, the library, the family dining quarters, and the master bedroom all contain enormous amounts of blood.

—Mr. Perkins uncovered a floor plan of the house and, to assist with the investigation, marked it as follows: “X,” where Mr. Hollis was found; “Y,” at all eleven points of entry; and “Z,” on the sites of the hundred most recent murders.

—A set of suspicious footprints was found, but they were explained when Mr. Tedlock confessed that he’d accidentally stepped in a tub of orange paint.

—With the unanimous consent of the guests, Mr. Devereaux has been dispatched to interview each member of the kitchen staff, with the object of appointing one of them snack-getter.

—The maid claims that she overheard the victim’s wife, Mrs. Hollis, remark that “next weekend would run more smoothly” should her husband be “unable to attend,” an allegation that Mrs. Hollis disputes. However, a few guests recall that at around six Mrs. Hollis gave a PowerPoint presentation on killing her husband.

—Several guests recall that at the beginning of the evening, as Mr. Hollis made the rounds, he kept remarking, “If anyone kills me tonight, the culprit will be Mr. Quinn. Remember that, people!” However, everyone agrees that Mr. Hollis was an idiot.

—Every room in the house has been combed for clues, except, for obvious reasons, the corpse pit.

—By a tremendous stroke of luck, the murder weapon was found by Mr. Williamson, who, incredibly, had a hunch about Mrs. Wilson’s undergarment drawer.

—Nothing of interest turned up in the library (where the victim was found), other than a cryptic note that read, in its entirety, “You’ll never find me,” with the words “From Jim” crossed out many, many times.

—The guests have taken a blind vote and determined that a majority of them believe that Mr. Devereaux will not return, keeping all the snacks for himself.

—Mr. Cavendish has repeatedly confessed to the murder. ♦