ቲፎዞ አታሳጣኝ…

Mothers say the darndest things

On a 3-week “አሜሪካን-እንወቅ” trip…..

A very expensive venture I saved and scraped for which fall short of its anticipated [emotional] reward due to my mother turning out to be real ልብ አቁስል. Starting from saying what she plans to buy from America, and to whom, the minute she stepped off the plane at Dulles airport to having the shittiest taste in food [asking “ዳቦው የታለ?” when served a pricey Poke–making me drop the planned Sushi ግብዣ like hot potato. Refusing to eat ቀይ ስጋ, “ያወፍራል አሉ”, while gobbling bread, baked potato, breakfast sausages, and sweets like she has never seen bread, baked potato, breakfast sausages, and sweets. Lagging on her water intake, despite a kidney issue, while chugging ይሄንን ጁስ at the wee-hours of the night], to being so intimidated by America she gestured “እንዲህ ነዉ ሚበላው?” after I handed her an open yogurt cup and a spoon. Let us also not forget her telling me what comments people made about her daughter’s inability to bring her to America all this time. [While yours truly was busy trying to save her sanity in a country with no ዘመድ አዝማድ to say “ከፋኝ” to!].

It was, as I told a close co-worker this morning, like running a daycare for a very scared, very sensitive, very annoying child who is incapable of following the simplest instructions. [Entering a grocery store through the ”Exit” door after I called out, twice, “መግቢያው ይሄ ነዉ.. ያ አይደለም. ይሄኛው, not ያኛው!!”, and almost always barging or cutting in front of others despite the many advices and warnings I gave on how not observing that particular etiquette, especially by a black person, is viewed in America].

[Embarassment galore, anyone?!]

In the end, although I am too Ethiopian to quote Jonah’s character in Season 7 of Veep and yell “Mom, you are so annoying. How do you not just punch yourself in the face?”; I admit I was tempted to. More than once! There is, after all, only so much of “አዎ ያስፈልገኛል. ደሞም ወድጀዋለሁ. ግን ዋጋው ሚበዛ ከሆነ ርካሽ እና ተወዳጅ ያልሆነዉን ይህንን እንግዛ” መግደርደር the ጨጓራ can take. (Even if one has not stated money was no object a thousand times. And wasn’t on a ለሁለት ዓመት ተተግቶ የተጠራቀመ, and “well-deserved”, vacation from a busy clinic one spends 12-hours a day at.)

Of course it wasn’t all doom and gloom [nothing ever really is]. There were these gems that amused and made me laugh, ያው…. ጊዜ ካለፈ በሗላ, almost as much as her using the word “ነፍ ነዉ ” in her solid-60s, pretending to give Will Smith a harsh talking-to at the wax museum, and playing dead next to Nosferatu [not realizing it has something to do with vampires and the undead more than Lazarus and ቀራንዮ/ጎለጎልታ].

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እኔ: I know what reputation Nigerians have in Ethiopia, that they are ሌቦች እና አታላዮች. እዚህ አገር ግን they are the most educated immigrants, with lots of degrees, even more than Asians. It is a legit study done by the Pew Research Center.

My mom: አሃ.. ይሰርቃሉ ማለት ነዉ!?

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እኔ: [While passing Temple Israel in Hollywood]: This is ቤተ-እሥራኤል, a Jewish temple. Very historic. Very famous. Elizabeth Taylor, ታውቂያታለሽ አይደል, got married here a bunch of times.

My mom: አዎ.. ሳምሶንም እንደዛ አይነት በር ይሰራል.

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እኔ: ያ የማነው ስሟ ባል, መልካም ሰዉ, he was the only one who was there for me-Seattle ስመጣ.

My mom: ምን መኪና ይነዳል?

እኔ: አዎ. [Then curiously] ለምን ጠየቅሽኝ?

My mom: አይ ጀዝባ ይመስላል, ለዛ ብዬ ነዉ.

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እኔ: የትራፊክ ችግር ሎስ አንጀለስ የታወቀበት ነገር ነዉ. ብዙ ሰዎች በቀን ሁለት ስዓት ትራፊክ ላይ stuck ይሆናሉ ይባላል. ያ ደግሞ ወደ depression ይመራል. እንደውም የትራፊክ ችግር እና ቢሮ ሚያሳልፉት ሰዓታት የብዙ ሰዎች የጭንቀት ምንጭ መሆናቸው በጥናት ተደርሶበታል. ያው እኛው ለኛው ነን የጭንቀታችን ምንጭ.

Later,

እኔ: እና እንዴት ነው–ካልፎርንያን ወደደሺው?

My mom: አዎ የሃብታም አገር ነዉ. ሁሉም ሰዉ መኪና አለዉ¹

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And the scribe says:

For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. (Matthew 6:21)

And, again, he says:

Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. (Matthew 12:34)

¹The undersigned neither drives, nor owns a car

ከታዘብነው

A world of gestures.

Of “thoughts and prayers”.

And losses, and losses…

And losses.